This may not make sense to any of you

I don't know how to open up to people. The more I do it, the more reluctant I become. I do tell my problems and they all end the same way.
I know that people don't get how I feel or what I'm going through which is why maybe its better if I just kept it inside. I'm quiet/emo all the time because these really really bad memories haunt me almost everyday. Everytime something reminds me of it and it just makes it harder. Ive never actually moved on.

There has been 2 occasions last year when I poured my heart out to someone and in return she ends up calling me a sissy bimbo because I cried over 'stupid reasons' that those people could've ended up in jail for what they did to me. People always tell me not to blame everything on myself and they keep re assuring me that it wasn't my fault. How do I do that when I get mocked for feeling hurt. Doesnt that mean it was my fault?
I told another 'friend' that these were emotional struggles that I have to deal with and she laughed at the fact that I call it a struggle. and her popular line is 'loser' and 'its normal/common'. If i'm such a loser, why are you still talking to me? If its so normal, why don't I hear it happening to people around me? and mose importantly,did it happen to YOU?

I'd rather tell my problems to complete strangers than my friends. You know how it is when you go overseas and you're daring to wear outfits that you wouldnt usually wear cause you know no one there? Its kinda the same idea. All in all, I just don't want to be judged. Its been 5 years since it happened and I really don't know how to let go. I know it wasn't as drastic as rape or having a gun pointed at your head but i don't know..its just..something you have to experience to know how I feel.

I know this sounds silly but no one has ever stood up for me. Despite the fact of all the rotten things you do to me, I still manage to look past them and you still call me selfish and conceited. You judge me based on one action alone rather than me as a whole. 




this are just different fragments of thoughts so they might sound weird when you read them. every paragraph is a different story.