numb

with all that's been happening, I just can't smile or laugh, cry, love, be sad,

to feel.

my best friend, my baby, my life.

busy friends and unreliable boyfriends. you were always there for me through whatever.
I don't like coming home now.
No one to welcome me home.
No one ecstatic to see me when I open the door.
It feels even weirder to come home to an empty room now.
You're pillow on the floor. cold and untouched.
Up to bedtime till morning, I'm still struggling with your absence.
No one sleeps beside me now or wakes me up to go to school.

you were about 6 months old. with thiller.

I remembered that I preffered Thiller over you because you were so hyperactive and tensed.
But eventually, I somehow grew to love you more.

you fell asleep on my clothes while watching me pack my bags.

You always hated to see me go overseas.
You memorized the fact that when I pack my bags, it means that I'll disappear for several days and sometimes weeks. You have no idea how much I missed you and wished that you were there with me. But I knew you missed me too when I came home and you would stand on two legs ans started dancing and jumping.

when I got my first pair of specs.

you were so human that you even put ur head on pillows to sleep.

I'm still coping not having you around. and the hallucinations aren't helping where I hear the grunts you make when you're tired and your footsteps when your claws hit the tiled floor. I keep imagining that you would jump on my bed when I'm about to sleep. I visit your grave everytime before I go home from where ever.
I miss you so much. 8 years is a long time to move on from.
I hope that you are really in a better place. I love you.

Rest In Peace

2002-2010

Your thoughts?

My therapist asked me, "Have you ever had suicidal thought?"
I replied, "Everyone does. Only few have the guts to do it."

TAKE THIS!!

This is so unbelievably cute!!

But honestly, I would kick the person if this happened for real.

Fireflies

"I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep. Cause everything is never as it seems"

facebook fail!!

waiting by the phone

I thought people in relationships stopped dealing with things like these. apparently not.

your order, ma'am?

my brother was on the phone and he asked me if I wanted to order anything. He told me to write it down.
So I went to his computer, saw the google page and typed that down xD

what if there's nothing left?

a piece of me

I wonder if my want to 'stop changing boyfriends' is causing me to just deal with punches(metaphorically and literally) that a relationship throws rather than standing up for myself and walking away from the situation.
Everytime you love someone, you give away pieces of yourself.
What if I've reached the point where I've got  

nothing left to give?

Love game

no ordinary love

Its so draining, both physically and emotionally.
Men and women are brought up in two separate worlds and by right, we aren't even suppose to co-exist with each other. Its like a ticking time bomb.
We try to please the ones that we're invovled with so much that we even come up with pros and cons with a simple telephone call.
"What if he...?" "Wont' it be...?" "Is it ok?"
and there's no definite answer to any of those questions. They're all 50/50.
Men complain that they can't figure out what women want because they don't come right out with it.
Women complain that men  don't want to come out with it because they don't want to talk about their feelings ('feelings' used very lightly)
By the time you're done figuring out what the guy wants, it may be too late and he's grown sick and tired of you. All that effort wasted and you have to start over with someone new. Oh yea, lets not forget that people change.
Be single you say? If you're single, its true that you don't have to worry about any of this.
But what if non of your friends are single? You'll be the third wheel at every outing and event.Or what about when you're depressed or lonely, you can't call your friends because they're too busy with their own boyfriends/girlfriends.
People may even start to ask you, why don't you look for a boyfriend or why are you still single?
Then you'll start wishing that you're not single. Its a vicious cycle.
I kinda get it now why people say your wedding day is the happiest/best day of your life. You finally stop worrying(as much).

going too far

anorexic

I don't understand how my friends perceive beauty.
When a girl is born with natural curves, they don't consider her skinny because she CAN gain weight.
The fact is that even if she can gain weight, she doesn't hence she's SKINNY.
THERE'S A FUCKING DIFFERENCE!!!
My friend is a fraction of my size and she says, "I need to lose more weight than you". I'm sorry for not being understanding but what is wrong with you, mentally?

She claims that her legs are like elephant legs.
First of all, elephant legs are mainly muscle to support their weight and to walk long distances during migration.
Second of all, if her legs are like elephant legs, then it makes mine, a hippo. A blubbery mess!!!

I'm not over estimating my size because when I have actually lost weight, I notice and I stop my dieting.
50kg isn't much but its a huge accomplishment for me! At 50kg, I can see my rib cage from my back without even sucking it in. So I know my limits and when I say I'm fat, just fucking agree with me =.=''

You don't even know how many corsets I own just to hide my fat.

my tummy's happy now :)

philadelphia maki

my new regime

its 1.00AM now so i kinda failed that part XD

Appearances are deceiving

cut short

how much of it is left?

WARNING: The following content may be disturbing.

Many people(actually its more like no one) don't understand why I have an obsession with death and yet I have this want to do everything possible in life. As unbelievable as it may sound, I always this annoying tap on my shoulder that I'm not going to live as long as everyone else. It started when I was around twelve of thirteen.

In an attempt to push these thoughts away, I told my friend who is about 3 years older than me about it. He said that its normal because he used to think that way too and eventually it faded away. Its been 6 years and I'm still waiting for the feeling to fade away. I even went as far as to try palmistry.

I thought I was being emo. So I tried to find out if anyone else was going through what I'm going through.
My result: many of those who died young have told those near them that they were not going to live very long.
Famous example: Steve Irwin.

I dream a lot about death as well. Of other people but most of them are my own. I sometimes wake up with wounds and cuts on my arms, my body, my legs. My friends would make fun of me when I talk to them about my dreams so I just keep quiet now and tell them the dogs did it or something. I try not to think about it but the tap on the shoulder is overwhelming at times.

as sad as I am..

with my heart&soul, i love you

I will need to learn to let you go

Background:
She has a tumour and growing.
We can't do anything because operating would put her in more risk.
She has difficulty climbing up the stairs now,
even more so as the week days go by.
She only eats a few bites a day since last week.
The past few days, her fur is coming off in bundles.

I know, her time is coming soon but...

I still don't feel ready.

rain, rain, go away

don't rain on my parade

even after all the crap I was put through

I'm kinda very glad cause now

I'm not stuck with

an immature loser ♥

unstable

My dad told me(or was it my mum?) that only when a person has calmed down from the partying and all then only then they are ready to settle down with someone and start a family. I guess they were talking about my brother.

I've already turned 18 and my friends have all started to calm down but me. During high school, it was the other way around. I didn't drink like my friends till they fell over or puked mainly because I was worried about what might happen to them. Not forgetting to mention, its usually my parents who are picking me up plus my friends. What would I say to my parents if they saw me drunk? My friends didn't need to deal with that.
I'm the youngest among my friends and they've had their licence and were driving independantly months before me. So when we go to parties, they can't drink because they're driving. Those that aren't driving...don't mind just hanging out and talking.
Having though about it so much, I do regret not having fun when I should have.

temptaion

Everytime , on the days I want to diet, my maid or my mum cooks my favourite dishes like steamed fish, pork moss, vinegar fish, sambal kangkong. or they bring home doughnuts, burgers, ayam penyet. Its as if they're doing it on purpose =.='' grrrr...
And officially, my scale is broken. I always weight 55kg regardless of when my clothes get tighter or looser. I tried to use my friend's scale and it says that i'm 50. FTW!!

Again & again

a fool for you

You're so far away and yet,

you drive me up the wall at times.

But when you call me at 1am,

just to say goodnight,

you made my problems disappear.

I fell into heaven again.

picture by equinox~

fun times before shit happened

Where were you when I needed you?

You say that you were there for me but it was only when I had reached my breaking point like when I had an uncontrollable drinking habit or when I became a chain smoker. And lets not forget the time I tried to take my life or my sudden disappearance. What about the times when I looked for you to talk about my personal problems? What about the times I asked for a companion to go out with just to relieve the stress and pressure I receive from school and home? You disappear when I seemed fine.

Do I consider the strange people I met during my 'breaking point' my friends? Are they my friends because they were there for me? Are you?

I think its breaking you too

I love you so much. Why can't you see that?
When you were around, you always wanted to be with me.
Now that you're not, you get annoyed just by the sound of my voice.
You don't even see how much it hurts when you hang up on me.

and one more thing...
Happy 19th Birthday