My haven in hell

2011-05-21T04:28:00.001+08:00

Spoken and unheard

2011-05-05T04:19:00.001+08:00

I'll be going overseas to study soon and I'm more than excited to leave this life behind but at the same time, I feel what most people feel which is fear. When I tell people that I'm afraid of not being able to make any friends or what if I make the wrong group of friends and I don't mean the cliche pot-smoking, booze-drinking, party-animal friends.

I've been down the road where I've met certain people and my inner voice keeps telling me that something isn't right about them but this person has been anything but nice to you so you feel guilty and shrug off your nasty inner voice. But oh, what's this? several months down the line you realize your inner voice was right and you're life has just been screwed over. I wouldn't be able to take another one of those dramas again. It was the hardest thing I had to get over in my whole life.

I'm genuinely scared and that experienced has scarred me. I don't even know who can even relate to me on this. When I'm thousands of miles away, who am I going to turn to? Even now, as I'm scrolling through my phone book, there isn't anyone I can think of calling first. I have no best friend, no boyfriend, no solid foundation. Then again, even if I did have someone to turn to, so what? What can they do?

2011-04-20T02:17:00.002+08:00

Today is the first time in ages since I cried so hard without the help of alcohols or some boy breaking my heart. But it doesn't feel enough.

2011-04-15T22:53:00.002+08:00

sometimes tears just don't cut it anymore
sometimes when I'm driving home,
I stop by the road side of a secluded area,
bury my face in my hands and scream.

Coolest optical illusion

2011-04-01T02:27:00.004+08:00

It's an animated GIF that changed every 20 seconds or so. You're eyes are so adjusted to the inverted colour that when it's black and white, you'll actually see a coloured picture. :D

2011-03-31T22:01:00.000+08:00

2011-03-28T05:05:00.001+08:00

2011-03-26T15:00:00.000+08:00

I ignore texts, I let the phone ring, I deactivate Facebook.

It's nothing personal. People need to understand that sometimes I just don't want to talk.

2011-03-26T03:20:00.003+08:00

2011-03-26T01:39:00.000+08:00

I wanna say this to you right now >.<

2011-03-22T02:37:00.001+08:00

2011-03-19T00:07:00.001+08:00

2011-03-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

It's not that I hold a grudge. It's the fact that I can take a hint when I'm not wanted.
I'm not some toy for you to scrape up from the bin when you're lonely.

2011-03-18T23:27:00.001+08:00

2011-03-14T15:14:00.001+08:00

I can't wait for the day when I can finally move in with you. To kiss you, hold you, sleep and wake up next to you every single day. But I won't tell you.

2011-03-14T04:53:00.002+08:00

Addictions. They're frustrating.

2011-03-14T04:35:00.001+08:00

2011-03-13T23:21:00.003+08:00

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.

–François, Duc De La Rochefoucauld

Things to do today...

2011-03-13T17:55:00.002+08:00

1. wake up
2. survive
3. go back to bed

2011-03-12T04:01:00.002+08:00

2011-03-12T03:56:00.003+08:00

i just need this...
to help me sleep at night.

2011-03-12T01:22:00.000+08:00

I'm done taking the fall for you. You're on your own now.

Missed communication

2011-03-03T21:32:00.001+08:00

♀taroTaro♀ says (9:25 PM):
i want a cheeseburger
btrgrvfbd says (9:26 PM):
LOL
btrgrvfbd! says (9:26 PM):
.__.
btrgrvfbd! says (9:26 PM):
soo random~
btrgrvfbd! says (9:26 PM):
._."
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:26 PM):
ive been thinking abt it since 8
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:27 PM):
ur sister's statuses are so...
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:27 PM):
hmmm
btrgrvfbd! says (9:27 PM):
So have i
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:27 PM):
lol
btrgrvfbd says (9:27 PM):
i've wanted it since 5
btrgrvfbd says (9:27 PM):
then i ate it
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:27 PM):
=.=
btrgrvfbd says (9:27 PM):
and look how i turned out
btrgrvfbd! says (9:28 PM):
._.
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:28 PM):
no la!
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:28 PM):
i mean 8pm!!
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:28 PM):
wtf
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:28 PM):
=.=
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
LOL
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
WTF
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
.___."
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
be more specific could u?
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
D:
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
T__T"
btrgrvfbd says (9:28 PM):
make me confess.. D:
♀taroTaro♀ says (9:28 PM):
HAHAHAHAHA

just realized something...

2011-03-01T02:29:00.003+08:00

Most of my past boyfriends have had some large connection with music.

There were a few in particular that looked exactly like famous singers which kinda freaked me out =s

(no pictures as to protect their identity)

Mario Barrett

My second boyfriend was in 2005. About the same time when Mario made his debut 'Let Me Love You' followed by 'How Could You'. You can imagine how hard it was for me to constantly hear such a heartbreaking song that described the exact situation I was in from a singer who looks like him.

Bruno Mars

My third boyfriend was in 2006 who I'm still in somewhat good terms with. I saw a display picture of him that was posing exactly like Bruno Mars and the resemblance was uncanny. He was one of my most romantic boyfriends and from Bruno Mars' songs, I can add another similarity to that. lol.

Nicholas Teo

My current boyfriend looks like Nicholas Teo under certain lights but with specs, again, uncanny resemblance and BOTH are from Malaysia.

Maybe I'm just seeing more than there is but I'm not the kind of person who obsesses with celebrities so I don't see how I could have possibly made the connection if they looked nothing like them. Hence, I must be right! hehe :D

2011-03-01T02:08:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you say things without thinking
And they hurt me more than you know
But I won't say anything or you'll get mad
Or it'll start all over again
The arguements, the screams, the tears, the hate...

2011-02-17T14:25:00.001+08:00

If i don't text you, its because I'm waiting for you to text me.

When i walk away from you mad, follow me 

When I'm quiet, ask me what's wrong. 

When I ignore you, please give me your attention. 

When I push you away/isolate myself, please look for me. 

When you see me crying, hold me close and tell me that everything's going to be ok.

I know that I can be difficult but I just need to know if you're the real thing.

2011-02-17T14:11:00.001+08:00

Call me a slut, call me a whore,

if u don't like me there's the door.

Call me anorexic, call me fat,

i can put it on or i can lose that.

Call me annoying, call me dumb,

excuse me miss I'm having fun.

Call me a flirt, call me a fake,

that's just me so give me a break.

Call me weird, call me a geek,

call me what you what, I'm just unique.

2011-02-16T00:24:00.005+08:00

"Hey, are you ok?"

"Obviously something's wrong. Doesn't mean that I'll share it."

2011-02-16T00:09:00.001+08:00

you were just too late...

Why all of my friends are guys

2011-02-15T23:59:00.002+08:00

No drama.
They consider me as a sister.
They protect me.
They can intro me to their friends.
They dont hit on the guys I find hot/cute.
They are good listeners.
They give good advice.
I can be myself.

2011-02-15T23:50:00.003+08:00

...I'm spiraling into depression again.

2011-02-05T00:41:00.001+08:00

she’s the girl with the friends that help her get by. the girl with a smile that could light up a room. the girl with a fuck all attitude. shes the one that loves to live, & lives to love. the girl that could laugh forever. the girl that hopes for the best, but expects the worst. shes the girl who isnt okay with herself. she doesnt have enough self confidence to get by. shes the one some are jealous of. the girl some dont care about. shes the girl that could care less if you like her or not. shes the girl waiting for something amazing to happen. she hopes for miracles. she gets by on miracles alone. shes the girl who says what on her mind. the girl whos eyes shine day in and day out. shes the girl who wants to be the best at what she does. shes the girl who learns from her mistakes. the girl who can find something good in everyone. the girl who is jealous of everyone around her. the girl who can smile without a doubt. she believes that you ahve a face for a smile so why not use it? she is the girl who has a heart. the girl whos heart has been broken. but not completely shattered. shes the girl who doesnt believe in love. the girl who expects too much from herself. shes the girl who is scared to look at certain people. the girl who can find a million reason to leave this town behind. the girl who is finally happy. the girl who keeps promises. the girl who dances even when theres no music. shes the girl who people call a bitch. shes the girl who doesnt want to grow up. the girl who can find adventures everywhere. shes the shy girl. shes the outgoing one, who no one can stand. shes the one who is waiting for one person. shes the girl with the best of friends. the girl who plays games with peoples hearts. shes the girl who just cant get over this boy. the girl who wishes she was a better person. shes the girl who wishes on 11:11. the girl who is selfish and greedy. the girl who cant love. shes the girl who fakes a smile. the girl who dreams big & dreams hard. shes a one of a kind. shes complicated and confused. & shes not what shes cracked up to be.

2011-02-04T23:46:00.000+08:00

Forgive me for liking you too much, I’ll forgive you for not liking me enough. Forgive me for the loud racing of my heart, I’ll forgive you for not hearing it. Forgive me for finding you amazing, I’ll forgive you for never noticing. Forgive me for wanting to be with you more than anything, I’ll forgive you for avoiding me. Forgive me for being so pathetic, I’ll forgive you for taking advantage of it. Forgive me for not being able to let go, I’ll forgive you for never holding on.

3 words, 8 letters could mean:

2011-01-29T01:42:00.000+08:00

1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. I hate you.
4. Go to hell.

Beware the disease Idiotitis.

2011-01-21T17:37:00.002+08:00

Causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands affected. May be contagious.
Best defense: slap and run

2011-01-21T13:11:00.002+08:00

The moment when you hear something you really didn’t want to know and it feels as if your heart is literally breaking.

2011-01-21T12:36:00.005+08:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-Marilyn Monroe

2011-01-19T19:47:00.000+08:00

as far as possible

2011-01-19T19:42:00.002+08:00

Although they are just thoughts, memories hurt like hell.

High vs Drunk

2011-01-19T04:39:00.001+08:00

HIGH involves me being crazy, being over the top. laughing, crying but is still aware of everything
while being DRUNK is all that except I cry to sleep.

2011-01-18T14:33:00.002+08:00

2011-01-18T01:38:00.000+08:00

I use to look up on quotes of love or sweet stories or date ideas during my spare time. But ever since the break, I feel weird looking up for those things. Its not like I can relate to their oh-so-perfect relationships or the sweet romance they experienced. Maybe I really do need this. I've been in a relationship continuously for the past 7 years. I should stop and find out what I like and who I want to be and not what he likes or what he wants.

2011-01-15T03:01:00.001+08:00

2011-01-15T02:53:00.000+08:00

I miss these moments

2011-01-14T01:24:00.001+08:00

2011-01-12T18:44:00.002+08:00

Guys are so complicated

How are you?

2011-01-12T17:19:00.001+08:00

2011-01-12T15:22:00.002+08:00

You'll never read this but..

2011-01-12T05:37:00.000+08:00

I'll never know if you'll ever realize this.

Fuck customer service!

2011-01-12T05:31:00.002+08:00

I can never do jobs that involve interacting with strangers. I worked for one day as a part timer at an expo.
I was working for a Japanese company and they were selling japanese snacks. Needless to say, I was a sales girl.

1st thing to piss me off...
one of the other sales..boy? calls me over because the customer is asking about the expiry date. we usually read
*DD-MM-YY* but in japan they read it *YY-MM-DD*.
The packaging said '2011-9' I looked at it and said it should be year then month.
She looks at me and said 'should be? so you're not sure?'
WTF is wrong with you woman??!!! is there any other way you would read it? 20th of november 2009? NO RIGHT? c'mon!!! you're older to me!! use your motherfucking brain!!!
But I just smiled and explained to her. I said it should be year then month. that's how japanese read dates. And she's still concentrating on the mudhafucking 'SHOULD'. Even I wanted to shoot myself in the head for saying it.
So I continued to to explain to her and said, "I said should because I wasn't sure if that meant it expired at the beginning or the end of the month." and walked away immediately. I have fucking work to do. I don't have the fucking time to explain this stupid childish nonsense to you.

2nd thing to piss me off...
we had a promotion to drop/raise all the prices to $3. And everything, no matter what was just $3. full stop!!
As I was telling it to customers who were walking by, this man probably in his 40s said, "So you mean EVERYTHING is $3?" I simply nodded my head and said yes, sir. He starts raising his voice at me and saying he was here the day before and bought a lot of the expensive stuff and how I cheated him and how I should reimburse him. wtf. i'm a sales girl. I do as I'm told. You want free stuff? You want an explanation? ASK THE BOSS!

3rd thing to piss me off...
I was promoting the shit out of the goods and the boss calls one of the boy to tell me that I wasn't doing anything. WTF??!!! fine. i ignored it and just did MORE promoting. He tells me to rearrange the goods to make more space for the newer goods. I did that WHILE promoting. I even helped customers as they asked me what the items were and flavour and whatever.

the last and final thing to piss me off..
I got fired.

and again, Fuck customer service.

*sorry for all the swearing. I've just been stressed and I've been influenced by luanlegacy from youtube <3*

2011-01-12T05:05:00.000+08:00

Everytime I look at pictures where they have this home-y, cozy feel I start getting all sad and depressed. Like I'll never have that. I'll never get to experience that or even if I do, it doesn't feel the same. You know how sometimes you get really excited for an event or whatever then all these little pre-planned things start popping into your head and when its the time of the event, you just don't feel it. Why can't something I want just happen? Then again maybe I'll need like a clone army of MEs so that they'll be doing what I'm thinking and the people won't split into their little groups. grrrr
OK my point is, i just want a hug dammit =.='' end of story.

stupid or funny

2011-01-12T04:33:00.001+08:00

I went to a restaurant/cafe with my friend today. My friend had already ordered and I asked the waiter to go ahead with my friend's order while I decide.

When I called him, he said, "Yes, sir?" I was thinking, "wtf? ok maybe it was accidental."
Then I just said I wanted to order the baked chicken chop with rice.

waiter: you want the kid's meal, sir?
me: errrr...I just want the rice only (making weird hand gestures of just the plate without the drinks and jelly and whatever)
waiter: you want the kid's meal, sir?
me: (thinking: wtf) ....i want the adult one???????????
*waiter flipping through the front of the menu then points*
waiter: this one, sir?
me: errr yea. (thinking: why's he calling me 'sir'?)
waiter: what sauce would you like, sir?
me: original tomato
waiter: that's all? you can mix the sauces, sir.
me: red tomato and red garlic
waiter: ok sir

I looked at my friend and said, "how come he kept calling me sir? do i look like a guy? I don't have boobs ka?"
=.=''

I should start stuffing my bras.

2011-01-11T14:01:00.002+08:00

2011-01-11T12:45:00.000+08:00

go away!

Break ups are fuck!

2011-01-07T01:04:00.000+08:00

I just got dumped today

!!YAY!!

Congratulations on being such a failure

at relationships.

2011-01-06T21:36:00.000+08:00

2011-01-06T03:05:00.003+08:00

there are some days where i just want to cry in someone's arms. feeling safe and vulnerable at the same time.

2011-01-06T03:00:00.002+08:00

Dear Girls,

2011-01-06T02:58:00.001+08:00

Let the boys find you, I promise it will be worth it. Every break up, is just a step closer to the one you are going to marry. Right now, they are just distractions and something to keep you busy on your journey of life. Everything happens for a reason, and if it’s meant to be, it will happen but while your waiting, enjoy life. enjoy high school or middle school and relax because there’s someone out there for all of us.

it's a mess

2011-01-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

a heart fills up with so much emotion that our lips start to shake and tears build up quickly. you're crouched over trying to suck it in thinking that hopefully it'll just magically go back in. Then comes the loss of breathe.

You let out a yelp from the pain you've been holding in and gasp for air just as if it was your final breath.

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

classic mistake xD

explanation for the balls: my nickname is 'tarotaro aka yamyam' and he greeted me with 'taro balls!'

True Love

2010-12-31T04:48:00.003+08:00

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient,

I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the

doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him,

'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is

neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

they just make the best of everything they have.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, But how to dance in the rain.'

We are all getting Older

Tomorrow may be our turn.

P.S. This is a true story of my friend's grandparents. This letter was written by the nurse and sent to his family.

2010-12-30T03:21:00.002+08:00

Lady Gaga taught me its okay to be different.
Ke$ha taught me to be
myself and not care what anyone else thinks.
Bruno Mars taught me to
do anything for that one person I love.
Eminem taught me that
life is hard but you can make it through.
Taylor Swift taught me
not every guy is going to treat me right.
Michael Jackson taught me to always love the people around me.
Bob Marley taught me to live my life in peace.

2010-12-28T02:15:00.000+08:00

Love won't get us by but it will get us far unless we learn to compromise, communicate, trust and forgive. why won't you?

Merry Christmas :)

2010-12-26T02:03:00.002+08:00

I drink

2010-12-14T04:39:00.002+08:00

being drunk is the only time I can be who
I really want to be

and not be judged.

2010-12-11T02:29:00.000+08:00

"The one thing I’m most scared about right now is that I’ll lose the one thing that makes my heart skip a beat every second of the day. Having him there to hug, to hold, and to kiss makes everything seem so perfect. He’s the one who makes me want to wake up in the morning and stay awake at night. I smile and laugh every second I’m with him and it feels like time just stops when he’s there with me. I cherish the time I spend with him now because who knows if something would ever happen to break us apart. All I really want is for him to be with me for me, not for any other reason. This is the first time I feel that I cannot screw this up… because if I do, I know he’ll just leave, and I’m not letting this one go. He’s real, the one that understands me out of every guy out there that I’ve ever met or known.

I’m scared to get hurt again. Too many tears lost, too much time wasted. I hope that he’s the boy who’s going to be there for me, always. The one who actually keeps his word and his promises."

2010-12-11T02:25:00.000+08:00

Frustrated because I can’t tell if it’s real. Mad because I don’t know how you feel. Upset because we can’t make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won’t take my hand. Aggravated because you don’t understand. Disappointed because we can’t be together, but still, I’ll love you forever.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

2010-11-23T01:02:00.000+08:00

I still believe how prince charming will come out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet. i'll know he's the one when we share true love's first kiss and we will ride into the sunset and live happily ever after.

I need to grow up

only girl in the world

2010-11-21T14:09:00.000+08:00

La la la la
La la la la
La la la la

[VERSE 1]
I want you to love me, like I'm a hot pie
Keep thinkin' of me, doin' what you like
So boy forget about the world cuz it's gon' be me and you tonight
I wanna make your beg for ya, then imma make you swallow your pride

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only one...

[VERSE 2]
Want you to take it like a thief in the night
Hold me like a pillow, make me feel right
Baby I'll tell you all my secrets that I'm keepin', you can come inside
And when you enter, you ain't leavin', be my prisoner for the night, oh

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/only-girl-lyrics-rihanna.html ]

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, only one...

[BRIDGE]
Take me for a ride, ride
Oh baby, take me high, high
Let me make you first, first
Oh make it last all night, night
Take me for a ride, ride
Oh baby, take me high, high
Let me make you first, first
Make it last all night

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man
Only girl in the world...
Girl in the world...
Only girl in the world...
Girl in the world....

&because i've given up on you

2010-11-21T13:55:00.000+08:00

is it worth it?

2010-11-21T13:53:00.000+08:00

I'm tired

2010-11-20T14:01:00.003+08:00

I’m tired of losing friends
I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of being lied to
I’m tired of drama
I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of never being happy
I’m tired of trying so hard, and have it be one sided
I’m tired of being bitter
I’m tired of being used.
I’m tired of not sleeping.
I’m tired of missing people
I’m tired of hiding my feelings.
I’m tired of missing you.
I’m tired of trying.
Im tired of being tired .

credits

written

2010-11-19T02:24:00.002+08:00

society says that we should be married to a doctor/lawyer with at least two kids, a family dog and a big beautiful house where we will stay in to cook and clean and raise the kids. For the past 3 years, I never chose someone purely because I loved them but because I know that they will give me a better future and this makes my family happy regardless of how he treats me. 

now, look at our world.

understand

2010-11-19T02:03:00.001+08:00

If you're too busy to call me,

I'll understand.

If you don't have time to check on me,

I'll understand.

If you're late on our date,

I'll understand.

but if i stop loving you,

IT'S YOUR TURN TO UNDERSTAND.

Reasons why I don’t text back.

2010-11-19T01:58:00.001+08:00

I forget.
I’m too lazy.
The conversation wasn’t going anywhere.
I was asleep.
I didn’t know what to reply to, “Haha lol k.”
I was busy saving the world.
You’re so annoying.
You’re boring as fuck.
I’m eating.
I don’t like you.
bye

credits

alone

2010-11-17T04:34:00.000+08:00

when you're down,your past rewinds over and over in your head. &that's when you realize how alone you really are because there is no one who can help you.

envy

2010-11-15T09:45:00.002+08:00

I spent most of my life envying other people's hair or skin. other people's curves, largeness of their eyes or how their face can just melt perfectly around their smile. &sometimes I wonder, is there anyone who envies me for a change?

not skinny enough

2010-11-15T09:22:00.000+08:00

I will never have curves like a girl should have so why not lose them all just like the pretty girls in magazines.

sleeping alone

2010-11-14T18:16:00.001+08:00

I always have all my life but when there is someone in you life who makes you feel like you're on top of the world, that joy comes along with you on your empty bed. 

But the dettachment with that person can make sleeping alone all the more lonely.

unappreciated

2010-11-12T01:38:00.000+08:00

No girl should be treated like shit & pushed to the curb without a reason.No one’s perfect.Girls get mad,they get sad, and if they’re jealous,that just shows you how much she wants you. All the good girls are the ones that get taken advantage of.When in reality, they should be treated like a queen, but instead they settle for less,For one simple guy that hurts her everyday & yet she never loved him less.

sweet surprise

2010-11-09T21:14:00.002+08:00

2010-11-09T20:58:00.001+08:00

growing up too fast

2010-11-09T20:51:00.000+08:00

The best friend that stabbed you in the back. The parents that expect you to be the absolute best when they can't even show you how to get there. The siblings that sometimes annoy you, that take part of your world and you're forced to accept that you're not all that's important. That one guy, who broke your heart - completely shattered it when he promised to be the last person to allow that. The teachers that fill you with homework and tests that stress you even more, not even imagining the rest of the stress you go through outside their classrooms. The electronics and the materialistic items that we want more and change day by day because that's maybe the only thing that brings us a feeling of wholeness. And the unknowing power of a day to make or break you.

And they question why we're all so mature and lost in life.

sweet love

2010-11-09T20:39:00.000+08:00

A real relationship: Has fights. Has trust. Has faith. Has tears. Has hurt. Has sweet smiles. Has genuine laughter. Has snorts because of the laughter. Has weird, stupid, unnecessary arguments. Has patience. Has communication. Has secrets. Has jealousy. And most importantly, love. This is all just a mess that turns out beautiful & an experience that can never be forgotten.

The macho fad should have faded with the 1990s

2010-11-07T13:33:00.001+08:00

I think body builders are ugly. no unless, ifs or buts. it commendable that you keep yourself healthy but why would you want to look like a blimp? I can't find a better picture but if you're so big, when you wear a regular t-shirt, your head looks way too small for you body and your body just looks like a baloon.

the only time body builders look 'OK' is when their shirtless. not exactly the way to dress everyday now is it..

you know what's gonna happen when you start growing old? you'll be too busy for gym and your skin won't be as elastic.

You're end up like Arnold Schwarzenegger!

stressed out

2010-11-04T02:36:00.000+08:00

I've experienced numerous levels of stress in my life before but I think this time is quite different.

I broke my newly make gas permeable lenses, scratched someone else's car, scratched my own car, insomnia, exam, handling a long distance relationship just to name a few.
I usually just get really tensed and I sleep with tensed shoulders and eyes or I stop eating (the worst was completely not eating for 3 days)
Past few days I started to notice shortness of breath, chest and heart pains, facial twitching and it seems to be getting worse day by day. I'm too lazy to do anything about it though. I figured that it'll go away when I eliminate the stress. Hopefully I'll sleep better after November 10th which will be the end of my A levels.
Maybe I should lay off the buds and the govt included a $5 tax for it. I think that'll give me the push to quit permanently.

gahhh! its 2am and my insomnia's back with my chest pain. how annoying.

decisions decisions

2010-10-25T05:28:00.000+08:00

My life right now is pretty much like that painting. A splash of colours(colours being my emotions). I'm being pulled left and right, front and back about what I'm suppose to or going to do with my life.

A levels is stressing me out enough and I HAVE to get a scholarship. If I stay here any longer, I'll go nuts.
I've been thinking about staying here first next year, work and relax for a little bit then apply and actually go in the year 2012.
Seriously, why the rush? I've been studying all my life and I finally have the time now to stop and take a breather. Why finish high school, head to college and rush to uni cause after that you'll be working after that for the rest of your life!!

My next concern is picking a course I'm willing to do for a minimum or 3 years. I'm fucking frustrated that I'm not allowed to be a chef because since I was 14 till now, I STILL want to be a chef. Even people close to me know how passionate I am about it. It pisses me off even more at the fact that my friends are able to study other things and they're 'settling' to study culinary arts because they aren't able to get the grades to be a doctor etc. I guess in some ways its jealousy eating me inside out that they get to do something that they don't give a rat's ass about and I can't when I've been talking about it for 4 years and researching about it. Their excuse is, I like to cook. Not I LOVE to ~~cook~~ make food. I did get over a little over emotional about it knowing that people get to chase their dreams or copy mine and I can barely catch a glimpse of mine.

After finally accepting that fact, I decide, the only subject I'm good at is English. I can't memorize facts and equations and formulaes. I've been getting As for it without trying and despite my mum scolding me that reading Archie comics with worsen my English, it didn't. I don't read novels like my friends and never putting it down like as if it would blow up the earth if they ever put it down. I'm not into Bestseller books like Harry Potter or Twilight. I like reading books like Falling Leaves, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, A Child Called It, books about life. I don't buy fantasy and dislike getting sucked into that world (I just realized that I'm going off topic here). So anyway, my mum is discouraging me. so is my brother. At times I want to scream at them. I wanted to be a chef, you said no. I wanted to be an interior designer, you said no. Then you told me that I could study anything I want as long as I got a degree then do whatever with my life after that. I've finally decided on English after sucking up my tears and you deny me of it? You told me it would be hard. DUH! I never said it would be easy. When does education become easier as you progress? How does studying law or medicine make it any easier? I hate science. why can't anybody ever just accept that like how I've accepted your weird mindset and theories.

Wheee~ next part is when I apply to uni, which country do I apply for? UK or Australia.
Also since I was 14, I wanted to go to Australia but the reason then was just because my biggest idol lives there, Steve Irwin. I wanted to meet him so bad that I made it a goal for myself to study abroad there. Now that he's dead, I don't even know if my goal still applies.

I went to the UK in February and I was only there for half a month and I wanted to just go home by the first week! It was dark, gloomy, cold. Shops close very early and I felt like an alley rat.

I don't like this weather at all!!!!

Of course no country's weather is clear and sunny 365days a year but it drizzles and rains for like 2 minutes then continues to be damp and dark. The weather there was unbelievably cold too!
The other thing I dread the most is the plane ride. 17 hours!!! I hate plane rides even if its just 2 hours. Everytime I get down from the plane, my nose and ears are blocked, I feel stiff and cramped and a little claustrophobic. AND the cost of everything is x3!

I know that UK can be beautiful just as long as its far FAR away from London but its so dull. The first 2 days may be interesting but after that, everything looks the same. I just checked my UK trip photo files and during my first 2 days, I took over two hundred photos. As the day progresses, the number get smaller and smaller to just about 20 pictures on the last day. I don't like looking at old building. I feel a bit scared to be around them actually, especially monuments of people. My friends know that I'm not the kind of person to want to hold on to the past. I like things to be fresh and new and most of all, exciting!

Melbourne

Its such a beautiful city eventhough I've never been there. The plus side is that its only a 5 hour flight, the rate is 0.8AUD to BN$1 and I've heard of people who go there to study and never wanting to return. That just tells how good the country actually is! The downside however is the crazy weather I read on Amanda's blog and I'm worried about the distractions.

Bright, sunny, exciting, fun, exhilirating Australia. I would love to visit you. Its a good country to live in but what about study in? Aussie's are actually from the UK and UK practically 'invented' the English Language. So wouldn't it be more credible to have an English Degree from the UK than from Australia? But I'm not gonna be an English teacher for the rest of my life and I don't think Bruneian kids even bother about having good grammar or being able to form a proper sentence.

Past few months, I keep skipping my English classes or falling asleep once the teacher speaks. I'm not even enthusiastic about the subject. I'm just able to write sentences in proper grammar and thats about it. I guess I'll take the time next year to figure things out.

lately

2010-10-13T12:34:00.000+08:00

everytime before I go to sleep and I remember something unhappy, a scene of me holding a screwdriver lunging into my heart is played, repeatedly.

2010-10-13T02:13:00.003+08:00

you're nothing, Maybel

2010-10-13T02:12:00.000+08:00

April 5th

I hate myself for that day. That I didn't go through with it. Now I have to live with the fact that I didn't have the guts to do it and be reminded of i. I don't want a second chance anymore. Stop acting like you care.

my sleeping 'pill'

2010-10-06T14:59:00.000+08:00

numb

2010-09-28T22:07:00.001+08:00

with all that's been happening, I just can't smile or laugh, cry, love, be sad,

to feel.

my best friend, my baby, my life.

2010-09-25T23:53:00.001+08:00

busy friends and unreliable boyfriends. you were always there for me through whatever.
I don't like coming home now.
No one to welcome me home.
No one ecstatic to see me when I open the door.
It feels even weirder to come home to an empty room now.
You're pillow on the floor. cold and untouched.
Up to bedtime till morning, I'm still struggling with your absence.
No one sleeps beside me now or wakes me up to go to school.

you were about 6 months old. with thiller.

I remembered that I preffered Thiller over you because you were so hyperactive and tensed.
But eventually, I somehow grew to love you more.


you fell asleep on my clothes while watching me pack my bags.

You always hated to see me go overseas.
You memorized the fact that when I pack my bags, it means that I'll disappear for several days and sometimes weeks. You have no idea how much I missed you and wished that you were there with me. But I knew you missed me too when I came home and you would stand on two legs ans started dancing and jumping.

when I got my first pair of specs.

you were so human that you even put ur head on pillows to sleep.

I'm still coping not having you around. and the hallucinations aren't helping where I hear the grunts you make when you're tired and your footsteps when your claws hit the tiled floor. I keep imagining that you would jump on my bed when I'm about to sleep. I visit your grave everytime before I go home from where ever.
I miss you so much. 8 years is a long time to move on from.
I hope that you are really in a better place. I love you.

Rest In Peace

2010-09-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

2002-2010

Your thoughts?

2010-09-19T02:05:00.001+08:00

My therapist asked me, "Have you ever had suicidal thought?"
I replied, "Everyone does. Only few have the guts to do it."

TAKE THIS!!

2010-09-18T01:12:00.003+08:00

This is so unbelievably cute!!

But honestly, I would kick the person if this happened for real.

Fireflies

2010-09-16T18:58:00.000+08:00

"I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep. Cause everything is never as it seems"

facebook fail!!

2010-09-16T02:06:00.002+08:00

waiting by the phone

2010-09-12T01:18:00.000+08:00

I thought people in relationships stopped dealing with things like these. apparently not.